Stress, Dislike, and Other Ugly Things (Trigger Warning: Negativity ensues)

This week has been a bitch and a half, to say the least. From a class that's kicking my ass, to an ex-BFF who keeps trying to get money out of me (and now resorted to lying to my mother in order to bait me. Who does these things?), it's been pretty bad. Normally, I could handle this. But this time, I got consumed by the ugly things. I started harping on things that anger me. Like fangirls who make the rest of the fandom look bad. Or racists. Or people who succeed without even trying. Or...well. The list goes on.

And then, as if on cue, I am filled with crushing guilt. Who am I to judge? Who am I to be angry at these people?

And then, it starts right back up again. Because I come up with some reason to get angry over injustice.

But really, these moods are good. Productive, even. Necessary. Anger needs to be felt. Bottling it up is never beneficial. I've learned this by experience during my (ongoing-ish) battle with depression. Life has it's good days and it's bad days, that pretty much a given. But certain things need to be felt in order for one to stay healthy. It's kind of like the idea that you have to know sadness in order to appreciate happiness. Feelings produce other feelings; better ones, worse ones. And that's okay.

I don't really have all that much to say this week, mostly due to the fact that my mind it being pulled in all sorts of crazy directions. Mainly, I have to focus on this one class that I need to ace the final for in order to pass. And it's scaring the shit out of me. With classes ending this week, it gives me time to focus on studying, but I'm still a wreck. I'll no doubt be stress crying myself to sleep for a few days.

But I am trying to send out positive vibes. Trying to keep positive ideas in the forefront of my mind. Hoping for the best. It's times like these that scare me. That get me thinking. How is the future effected by all the little thing I do right now? It makes me feel like fast-forwarding through these current times, and pressing pause at the same time. The problem with the here and now is that I have so much that I want to do currently, but I can't. I don't have the time, the money, or the lack of responsibilities. I always hear people saying "you need to make time for all the things you want to do," but I can't. I have to study to keep the minuscule amount of money the school is paying me in order to attend classes. I need to continue on this path, or I won't have a future with some semblance of happiness. I yearn for simpler times, yet know that I'm being selfish and entitled.

And sometimes, I don't care. I just want to be. For a few seconds.

Is it too much to ask for something great?

I'll leave you with this: my 'calm down, feel mellow' song. It helps things stop for a while.